Rabid wolf attacks man in lobby

The whole office remained very quiet after a sudden and unprovoked wolf attack in the lobby of Element Creative today. What started out like a normal day of shredding paper and refilling coffee mugs took a unexpected turn for office watchdog Danielle. “I was just sitting at my desk in the lobby tuning into my Michael Jackson channel on Pandora when I smelled the familiar scent of Lumberjack Noon cologne and the guttural growl of some wild animal.” says Danielle Papineau. What followed could only be described as a scene from the 1981 movie The Howling.

“I saw Lance Peroutka walking to the door and out of nowhere this wolf just sprang at him. It grabbed his leg and started thrashing about like my Aunt Penny trying to do the chicken dance at a cousin’s wedding!” Danielle went on to say that this wasn’t the first time she’d seen this particular wolf in the area. It seems to have marked it’s territory in the lobby and had been seen laying there most of the day. But until it attacked Lance, it didn’t seem to be bothering anyone.

Soon after the attack, Ross Atkinson, one of Element’s web gurus, was seen fleeing the scene. When approached after the attack to see if he saw anything he said, “I didn’t see anything, I was just trying to un-clog a paper jam in the conference room.” Oddly, there is no printer in the conference room, but additional questions to Ross went unanswered.

Lance is a little shaken up but came out with only a few scratches. “All in all, things could have been worse, all Lance needs is a couple of shots and he should be ok” says Danielle. She did not elaborate on what he would be doing shots of, but we think it will be probably something pretty strong.

On another note, wolf burgers will be served to the staff at Element and their guests all day tomorrow.

Barista Extraordinaire

Patrick McCormick, former member of Element’s interactive department, has been promoted to Barista. With the recent need for a higher-powered stimulant, and an obvious lack of interest in Folgers Original, promoting McCormick was an easy decision. His main duties include making foam, purchasing milk, and cleaning the recently purchased espresso machine.

“As part of Patrick’s promotion, we supplied him with a variety of aprons, a serving tray, and a really nice magnetized notepad to take down our orders,” said one of Element’s owners. “It was all part of the negotiation process, but well worth it.”

McCormick is extremely happy with his new promotion, although he noted one problem. “Grinding each individual coffee bean by hand takes a long time. But nothing is too good for all of my co-workers, and I’m sure they’ll eventually buy me a grinder … I hope.”

‘Barley’ Making it Without You

A vital part of our agency has been gone for sometime now. Project Manager Sue Barrett decided that a week vacation was necessary in order to keep her sanity. As she continues to float down the Mississippi River sipping her cocktails, the invoices have piled high, new jobs have been put on hold, payroll delayed, and the flowers…well, they’re practically dead.

We could no longer take the insanity, and Element was forced to hire a replacement. After minutes of searching, and with no other suitable applicants, we hired Barley, a close friend of Web Developer Ross Atkinson. We feel that he is a great fit for Element, and so far the perfect replacement for Barrett.

Director of New Media Kiar Olson commented, “I’m really happy that Barley smokes the same Grape Cigarillos as Sue. That sweet aroma always puts me in the mood to really crank out the work. The only thing I don’t enjoy is the slobber all over the copy machine.”

Brand loyalty and making great copies are not the only things Barley and Barrett have in common. Many of the employees like to hang out with Barely outside of work too.

“Barley and I went out after work for a few drinks,” said Ann Behling, Director of Publications. “We started off at Palukas for a Bloody Mary, but just like Sue always had to do, we went to the liquor store and purchased a few Colt 45s. We both ended up passed out somewhere down on East Mason Street. It was like I was with Sue the entire time!”

Though the employees enjoy the similarities, Barley wishes everyone would recognize the differences. To differentiate himself, Barley has given Fridays off to all Element employees, requires no timesheets, leaves the office lights on 24 hours a day, and has glued numerous toasters to the kitchen counter.

As Barley becomes more settled, Element will most likely be in for more surprises.