Rabid wolf attacks man in lobby

The whole office remained very quiet after a sudden and unprovoked wolf attack in the lobby of Element Creative today. What started out like a normal day of shredding paper and refilling coffee mugs took a unexpected turn for office watchdog Danielle. “I was just sitting at my desk in the lobby tuning into my Michael Jackson channel on Pandora when I smelled the familiar scent of Lumberjack Noon cologne and the guttural growl of some wild animal.” says Danielle Papineau. What followed could only be described as a scene from the 1981 movie The Howling.

“I saw Lance Peroutka walking to the door and out of nowhere this wolf just sprang at him. It grabbed his leg and started thrashing about like my Aunt Penny trying to do the chicken dance at a cousin’s wedding!” Danielle went on to say that this wasn’t the first time she’d seen this particular wolf in the area. It seems to have marked it’s territory in the lobby and had been seen laying there most of the day. But until it attacked Lance, it didn’t seem to be bothering anyone.

Soon after the attack, Ross Atkinson, one of Element’s web gurus, was seen fleeing the scene. When approached after the attack to see if he saw anything he said, “I didn’t see anything, I was just trying to un-clog a paper jam in the conference room.” Oddly, there is no printer in the conference room, but additional questions to Ross went unanswered.

Lance is a little shaken up but came out with only a few scratches. “All in all, things could have been worse, all Lance needs is a couple of shots and he should be ok” says Danielle. She did not elaborate on what he would be doing shots of, but we think it will be probably something pretty strong.

On another note, wolf burgers will be served to the staff at Element and their guests all day tomorrow.

The Unofficial Element Spokes-Moose
Canuck is a surprisingly intelligent and humorous character that could talk your ear off. He loves life, learning new things and, most of all, sharing new insight with people. He’s adjusted well since emigrating to the U.S. from Canada and settling down at Element. In fact, he’s taken strongly to blogging about marketing, branding, social media, and the Element office happenings. He’s still very loyal to his homeland, insisting that hockey is the only real-man’s sport, pancakes are acceptable at any meal, and Canadian beer is superior to the swill made everywhere else.

Misophonia Public Service Announcement

It has come to our attention that perhaps Nikki Pribnow, one of our very own, may be deeply affected by misophonia. This serious disease was self-diagnosed through intensive online research using Google, the most comprehensive non-medical database.

People with misophonia commonly find themselves affected by all kinds of noises and are annoyed by other people’s repetitive movements, such as leg-tapping, mouse clicks, and typing. People who suffer from this auditory disease are not annoyed by sounds that they themselves make. Whew! Lucky, right?

To help Pribnow with this possible ailment, Element has proactively purchased silent (and don’t forget flexible) keyboards, an Isolator (see image below), and implemented a noise policy that requires all shredding, taping, whistling, singing, speakerphone calls, gum snapping, toenail clipping, and eating to be done in the furnace room. No exceptions, besides Pribnow of course.

It is also recommended that employees refrain from wearing flip flops or socializing within 50 feet of Pribnow’s office … “or else.” Even keeping her solid wood door closed fails to provide an effective barrier from common office sounds.

No official doctor appointment has been scheduled, though at this point, a medical diagnosis wouldn’t matter. Please continue to check back for updates as we help fight this unfortunate situation.

The Unofficial Element Spokes-Moose
Canuck is a surprisingly intelligent and humorous character that could talk your ear off. He loves life, learning new things and, most of all, sharing new insight with people. He’s adjusted well since emigrating to the U.S. from Canada and settling down at Element. In fact, he’s taken strongly to blogging about marketing, branding, social media, and the Element office happenings. He’s still very loyal to his homeland, insisting that hockey is the only real-man’s sport, pancakes are acceptable at any meal, and Canadian beer is superior to the swill made everywhere else.

The Office Trail Camera

After unsuccessfully walking the hallways for over a week, chasing the very illusive Element employee, it is nice to finally see what these professionals look like up close. And this is what we all want to see! Rut-crazed employees, cruising during daylight hours. With their pens in hand and hair fluffed up, these employees are ready to work!






The Unofficial Element Spokes-Moose
Canuck is a surprisingly intelligent and humorous character that could talk your ear off. He loves life, learning new things and, most of all, sharing new insight with people. He’s adjusted well since emigrating to the U.S. from Canada and settling down at Element. In fact, he’s taken strongly to blogging about marketing, branding, social media, and the Element office happenings. He’s still very loyal to his homeland, insisting that hockey is the only real-man’s sport, pancakes are acceptable at any meal, and Canadian beer is superior to the swill made everywhere else.

The Big Wheel in the Sky

It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news. Please join us in remembering one of the greatest small animal food-packaging models and office pet that we have been blessed with knowing. Stoli the Russian dwarf hamster passed away doing something he loved, running in his plastic ball. He was 2.5 years-old.

He is survived by caretaker Kiar Olson, 15 Element employees, and Sue Barrett’s nostrils. The words, “man, that thing stinks” still ring throughout the office walls.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Max, the Jack Russell Terrier who played Milo, Jim Carrey’s faithful and intelligent dog in the 1994 movie The Mask. Rhino, the hamster from Disney’s animated classic Bolt, also attended the funeral and described Stoli as “Awesome. Actually, beyond awesome, and more accurately, be-awesome.”

The funeral was held today 1:50 p.m. for about five minutes.

In leiu of flowers, donations to the Hamster Replacement Fund can be given directly to Kiar Olson.

Barista Extraordinaire

Patrick McCormick, former member of Element’s interactive department, has been promoted to Barista. With the recent need for a higher-powered stimulant, and an obvious lack of interest in Folgers Original, promoting McCormick was an easy decision. His main duties include making foam, purchasing milk, and cleaning the recently purchased espresso machine.

“As part of Patrick’s promotion, we supplied him with a variety of aprons, a serving tray, and a really nice magnetized notepad to take down our orders,” said one of Element’s owners. “It was all part of the negotiation process, but well worth it.”

McCormick is extremely happy with his new promotion, although he noted one problem. “Grinding each individual coffee bean by hand takes a long time. But nothing is too good for all of my co-workers, and I’m sure they’ll eventually buy me a grinder … I hope.”

The Unofficial Element Spokes-Moose
Canuck is a surprisingly intelligent and humorous character that could talk your ear off. He loves life, learning new things and, most of all, sharing new insight with people. He’s adjusted well since emigrating to the U.S. from Canada and settling down at Element. In fact, he’s taken strongly to blogging about marketing, branding, social media, and the Element office happenings. He’s still very loyal to his homeland, insisting that hockey is the only real-man’s sport, pancakes are acceptable at any meal, and Canadian beer is superior to the swill made everywhere else.

‘Barley’ Making it Without You

A vital part of our agency has been gone for sometime now. Project Manager Sue Barrett decided that a week vacation was necessary in order to keep her sanity. As she continues to float down the Mississippi River sipping her cocktails, the invoices have piled high, new jobs have been put on hold, payroll delayed, and the flowers…well, they’re practically dead.

We could no longer take the insanity, and Element was forced to hire a replacement. After minutes of searching, and with no other suitable applicants, we hired Barley, a close friend of Web Developer Ross Atkinson. We feel that he is a great fit for Element, and so far the perfect replacement for Barrett.

Director of New Media Kiar Olson commented, “I’m really happy that Barley smokes the same Grape Cigarillos as Sue. That sweet aroma always puts me in the mood to really crank out the work. The only thing I don’t enjoy is the slobber all over the copy machine.”

Brand loyalty and making great copies are not the only things Barley and Barrett have in common. Many of the employees like to hang out with Barely outside of work too.

“Barley and I went out after work for a few drinks,” said Ann Behling, Director of Publications. “We started off at Palukas for a Bloody Mary, but just like Sue always had to do, we went to the liquor store and purchased a few Colt 45s. We both ended up passed out somewhere down on East Mason Street. It was like I was with Sue the entire time!”

Though the employees enjoy the similarities, Barley wishes everyone would recognize the differences. To differentiate himself, Barley has given Fridays off to all Element employees, requires no timesheets, leaves the office lights on 24 hours a day, and has glued numerous toasters to the kitchen counter.

As Barley becomes more settled, Element will most likely be in for more surprises.

The Unofficial Element Spokes-Moose
Canuck is a surprisingly intelligent and humorous character that could talk your ear off. He loves life, learning new things and, most of all, sharing new insight with people. He’s adjusted well since emigrating to the U.S. from Canada and settling down at Element. In fact, he’s taken strongly to blogging about marketing, branding, social media, and the Element office happenings. He’s still very loyal to his homeland, insisting that hockey is the only real-man’s sport, pancakes are acceptable at any meal, and Canadian beer is superior to the swill made everywhere else.