Element Takes on an Intern (gasp!)

Intern. The word can make many businesses apprehensive, evoking images of desperate college students looking to bulk up their resumes. Monica Lewinsky comes to mind.

This summer, the Element team has decided to test itself with the likes of college student Taylor Maccoux. An upcoming senior at Lawrence University, Maccoux pursues English, Spanish, and linguistics (languages, not noodles) and has a fierce hatred for grammatical errors.

She gallivanted around Europe this past spring, studying in London and working at Blue Tomato, a food news and restaurant review publication, where she ate a superfluous amount of good food in exchange for a bit of writing.

Outside of work, Maccoux squandered her per diem in beer gardens and chocolate shops throughout Spain, Austria, Belgium, and Scotland. This world traveler can weasel a free drink out of any unsuspecting foreigner. But now, she has returned to the Green Bay area with hopes to stay.

Element will take an even bigger hit when the team realizes that Maccoux is underage. As she is yet too young to enjoy the office’s beer on tap, the company’s dynamic will certainly experience a shakeup. Only this summer will tell.

Take Your Brat To Work Day

A Madison tradition has finally made its way to De Pere! Take Your Brat (the food, not child) To Work Day is the perfect way to start Memorial Day Weekend a little early, and it officially kicks off the world’s largest brat fest held in Madison, Wisconsin.

While the Element staff couldn’t make the two hour drive, we did our best to celebrate TYBTWD by grilling our own.

Have a great weekend!

Element Signs Designer for $134 Million

Element has inked a deal with Matt Schmeltzer, graphic designer, for an unprecedented $134 million over the next five years. The deal contains $62 million in guarantees, including a $25 million signing bonus.

The new contract isn’t just about making Schmeltzer the highest paid marketing pro in ad agency history. It’s about ensuring that Element’s clients receive the quality they expect from the legendary company.

“Matt’s got game. His great eye for design is complemented by superior attention to detail,” said Lance Peroutka, Principal/Agency Director. “He also brings several valuable intangibles, such as leadership, creativity, and a wicked cut-shot in ping-pong.”

When the contract’s structure is evaluated, it appears Schmeltzer gave Element a slight hometown discount. Schmeltzer’s $9.5 million roster bonuses in 2014 and 2015 are not guaranteed for skill and/or injury. So, even as the upfront money is significant, the De Pere marketing firm felt confident locking up the virtuoso long-term.

“We could have extended negotiations on a new deal. But, we wanted to get him in here,” said Aldis Strazdins, the firm’s Principal/Creative Director. “If he outperforms his contract and is grossly underpaid, we can always restructure down the road,” he added.

The new deal leaves Element with enough cap room to extend other priority associates, some of which are scheduled to become free agents in 2013. Of course, Element can decide to carry over their unused cap space to 2014.

When asked for comment on the terms of the new contract, Schmetlzer, a man of few words, kept it simple: “Holy crap.”

The Unofficial Element Spokes-Moose
Canuck is a surprisingly intelligent and humorous character that could talk your ear off. He loves life, learning new things and, most of all, sharing new insight with people. He’s adjusted well since emigrating to the U.S. from Canada and settling down at Element. In fact, he’s taken strongly to blogging about marketing, branding, social media, and the Element office happenings. He’s still very loyal to his homeland, insisting that hockey is the only real-man’s sport, pancakes are acceptable at any meal, and Canadian beer is superior to the swill made everywhere else.

New Service Available: Amish Taxidermy

known for fast and professional quality mounting

While keeping busy with HTML programing during the day, Web Developer Ryan found himself needing more to do outside of the workday. “That’s when I started my Taxidermy for Dummies apprenticeship to become a real professional certified taxidermist,” stated Ryan.  “The book is about 150 pages long. It’s a lot to get through, but since I was about 12-years-old, I’ve always had a passion to mount just about anything.”

Besides being an expert web developer, Ryan understands how to market a business and overcome his novice mounting skills. “I knew being a regular taxidermist wouldn’t create a marketable difference in this already saturated market. That’s why I’ve decided to join the Amish trade, plus I could grow this real neat beard.”

The TLC television show Breaking Amish was the additional inspiration Ryan needed to make the leap. “Hey, I figured there’s Amish furniture, why not Amish taxidermy? And now with Breaking Amish hitting the airwaves, it’ll be more socially known. And may I add, boy do I love TLC! Their shows are amazing.”

With Amish culture awareness on the rise, and along with his beard, Ryan sees his lack of experience being the only thing standing in his way. “I don’t like to say that I’m inexperienced at mounting, I mean, I’ve done two or three. My first was when I was a senior in high school,” said Ryan. “Plus, I finish mounting real fast, I’m not sure why, I guess it’s just a talent. And pretty much all of my friends have been mounting since eighth grade, so I know they’ll give me advice when I need it. I’m not sure why I didn’t start doing it earlier.”

Ryan also mentioned if you stop by his office next week, he would be happy to mount anything of size, at no cost. “I’m trying to learn how to handle those bigger animals, ya know? They’re not as easy to do.”

The Unofficial Element Spokes-Moose
Canuck is a surprisingly intelligent and humorous character that could talk your ear off. He loves life, learning new things and, most of all, sharing new insight with people. He’s adjusted well since emigrating to the U.S. from Canada and settling down at Element. In fact, he’s taken strongly to blogging about marketing, branding, social media, and the Element office happenings. He’s still very loyal to his homeland, insisting that hockey is the only real-man’s sport, pancakes are acceptable at any meal, and Canadian beer is superior to the swill made everywhere else.

Grill Giveaway Winner

Element is excited to announce the winner of our summer grill giveaway spectacular. But before we do, we’d like to take a moment to acknowledge the extreme heat gripping our nation.

It’s crazy hot out there! How hot? On the Element campus, squirrels are fanning their nuts. Birds are picking up worms with potholders. And at the farm down the road, cows are giving evaporated milk. (If you’ve heard cornier heat jokes than those, let us know.) So, please remember to hydrate appropriately, wear sunscreen, and take it slow. And, if you’re in our neighborhood, stop in for a cold beverage. No shirt, no pants, no problem.

Even though it’s currently hot enough to cook directly on the sidewalk, hopefully it will soon cool off so we can all enjoy some outdoor grilling. And, what better way than with a new Weber One-Touch® Gold Charcoal Grill in eye-catching Element blue? Congratulations to our grill winner, Sandi Volner.

We’ll deliver the grill soon, Sandi. Thank you to everyone who entered!

Rabid wolf attacks man in lobby

The whole office remained very quiet after a sudden and unprovoked wolf attack in the lobby of Element Creative today. What started out like a normal day of shredding paper and refilling coffee mugs took a unexpected turn for office watchdog Danielle. “I was just sitting at my desk in the lobby tuning into my Michael Jackson channel on Pandora when I smelled the familiar scent of Lumberjack Noon cologne and the guttural growl of some wild animal.” says Danielle Papineau. What followed could only be described as a scene from the 1981 movie The Howling.

“I saw Lance Peroutka walking to the door and out of nowhere this wolf just sprang at him. It grabbed his leg and started thrashing about like my Aunt Penny trying to do the chicken dance at a cousin’s wedding!” Danielle went on to say that this wasn’t the first time she’d seen this particular wolf in the area. It seems to have marked it’s territory in the lobby and had been seen laying there most of the day. But until it attacked Lance, it didn’t seem to be bothering anyone.

Soon after the attack, Ross Atkinson, one of Element’s web gurus, was seen fleeing the scene. When approached after the attack to see if he saw anything he said, “I didn’t see anything, I was just trying to un-clog a paper jam in the conference room.” Oddly, there is no printer in the conference room, but additional questions to Ross went unanswered.

Lance is a little shaken up but came out with only a few scratches. “All in all, things could have been worse, all Lance needs is a couple of shots and he should be ok” says Danielle. She did not elaborate on what he would be doing shots of, but we think it will be probably something pretty strong.

On another note, wolf burgers will be served to the staff at Element and their guests all day tomorrow.

The Unofficial Element Spokes-Moose
Canuck is a surprisingly intelligent and humorous character that could talk your ear off. He loves life, learning new things and, most of all, sharing new insight with people. He’s adjusted well since emigrating to the U.S. from Canada and settling down at Element. In fact, he’s taken strongly to blogging about marketing, branding, social media, and the Element office happenings. He’s still very loyal to his homeland, insisting that hockey is the only real-man’s sport, pancakes are acceptable at any meal, and Canadian beer is superior to the swill made everywhere else.

Misophonia Public Service Announcement

It has come to our attention that perhaps Nikki Pribnow, one of our very own, may be deeply affected by misophonia. This serious disease was self-diagnosed through intensive online research using Google, the most comprehensive non-medical database.

People with misophonia commonly find themselves affected by all kinds of noises and are annoyed by other people’s repetitive movements, such as leg-tapping, mouse clicks, and typing. People who suffer from this auditory disease are not annoyed by sounds that they themselves make. Whew! Lucky, right?

To help Pribnow with this possible ailment, Element has proactively purchased silent (and don’t forget flexible) keyboards, an Isolator (see image below), and implemented a noise policy that requires all shredding, taping, whistling, singing, speakerphone calls, gum snapping, toenail clipping, and eating to be done in the furnace room. No exceptions, besides Pribnow of course.

It is also recommended that employees refrain from wearing flip flops or socializing within 50 feet of Pribnow’s office … “or else.” Even keeping her solid wood door closed fails to provide an effective barrier from common office sounds.

No official doctor appointment has been scheduled, though at this point, a medical diagnosis wouldn’t matter. Please continue to check back for updates as we help fight this unfortunate situation.

The Unofficial Element Spokes-Moose
Canuck is a surprisingly intelligent and humorous character that could talk your ear off. He loves life, learning new things and, most of all, sharing new insight with people. He’s adjusted well since emigrating to the U.S. from Canada and settling down at Element. In fact, he’s taken strongly to blogging about marketing, branding, social media, and the Element office happenings. He’s still very loyal to his homeland, insisting that hockey is the only real-man’s sport, pancakes are acceptable at any meal, and Canadian beer is superior to the swill made everywhere else.

The Office Trail Camera

After unsuccessfully walking the hallways for over a week, chasing the very illusive Element employee, it is nice to finally see what these professionals look like up close. And this is what we all want to see! Rut-crazed employees, cruising during daylight hours. With their pens in hand and hair fluffed up, these employees are ready to work!






The Unofficial Element Spokes-Moose
Canuck is a surprisingly intelligent and humorous character that could talk your ear off. He loves life, learning new things and, most of all, sharing new insight with people. He’s adjusted well since emigrating to the U.S. from Canada and settling down at Element. In fact, he’s taken strongly to blogging about marketing, branding, social media, and the Element office happenings. He’s still very loyal to his homeland, insisting that hockey is the only real-man’s sport, pancakes are acceptable at any meal, and Canadian beer is superior to the swill made everywhere else.

The Big Wheel in the Sky

It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news. Please join us in remembering one of the greatest small animal food-packaging models and office pet that we have been blessed with knowing. Stoli the Russian dwarf hamster passed away doing something he loved, running in his plastic ball. He was 2.5 years-old.

He is survived by caretaker Kiar Olson, 15 Element employees, and Sue Barrett’s nostrils. The words, “man, that thing stinks” still ring throughout the office walls.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Max, the Jack Russell Terrier who played Milo, Jim Carrey’s faithful and intelligent dog in the 1994 movie The Mask. Rhino, the hamster from Disney’s animated classic Bolt, also attended the funeral and described Stoli as “Awesome. Actually, beyond awesome, and more accurately, be-awesome.”

The funeral was held today 1:50 p.m. for about five minutes.

In leiu of flowers, donations to the Hamster Replacement Fund can be given directly to Kiar Olson.

Barista Extraordinaire

Patrick McCormick, former member of Element’s interactive department, has been promoted to Barista. With the recent need for a higher-powered stimulant, and an obvious lack of interest in Folgers Original, promoting McCormick was an easy decision. His main duties include making foam, purchasing milk, and cleaning the recently purchased espresso machine.

“As part of Patrick’s promotion, we supplied him with a variety of aprons, a serving tray, and a really nice magnetized notepad to take down our orders,” said one of Element’s owners. “It was all part of the negotiation process, but well worth it.”

McCormick is extremely happy with his new promotion, although he noted one problem. “Grinding each individual coffee bean by hand takes a long time. But nothing is too good for all of my co-workers, and I’m sure they’ll eventually buy me a grinder … I hope.”

The Unofficial Element Spokes-Moose
Canuck is a surprisingly intelligent and humorous character that could talk your ear off. He loves life, learning new things and, most of all, sharing new insight with people. He’s adjusted well since emigrating to the U.S. from Canada and settling down at Element. In fact, he’s taken strongly to blogging about marketing, branding, social media, and the Element office happenings. He’s still very loyal to his homeland, insisting that hockey is the only real-man’s sport, pancakes are acceptable at any meal, and Canadian beer is superior to the swill made everywhere else.